Safe with Me

I had a dream the other day, I remember my dreams nearly every night, I believe in them wholeheartedly to guide me from my own inner wisdom.

I’ve always struggled with physical intimacy, but recently since being in a long term and secure relationship, I began to realise the self harm I’d been inflicting on myself through tortured beliefs to accommodate other people.

It’s going to get kind of personal here. 

At a young age I found myself discovering the shadow side of the internet and it’s instantaneous messaging systems. I developed and relied on multiple people I’d never met, and genuinely believed that I was cared for and exchanged an intimacy online that was a product of love. 

I believe we all exchange encounters with those people and situations that aid our highest growth, wether it be painful or joyous, we will always grow all the wiser from it if we chose to understand it.

Once I had discovered that there had been apps invented that brough the outside world technologically closer, I began to meet up with people of a similar age to me. At 18 I had a boyfriend who was 23, a year older than my own older brother. The bonds were quickly formed and the physical force in flow. 

Revealed to me now, the experiences I found myself reflecting upon all seemed to stem from one belief I’d gained in childhood, that played out in numerous forms later on, only to reveal one message to me now at 21.

I didn’t trust myself. I’ve always read and heard about self sabotage and such like in my quest for, I guess, self healing, but it never really passed my inner block until now. 

The boyfriend I had got very possessive and jealous, and played out manipulative situations in which I’d devoted my entire being to him. 

The relationship ended and I found myself back to the same need to have someone else around to support me emotionally and now, mask my real hunger. I slept with people I didn’t really like because I thought that meant they valued me and cared for me, obviously the physical elements were less than nurturing but that was what I’d learnt to be intimate. 

There are more details such as when I was first year at university and found a similarly lost and self harming soul in my housemate, and reflecting on it now I think that was a first hint of loving care to me. The fact that he always expressed care for me in his own way, and that I understood through our equally ambivalent needs.  The crowning point was that he never tried to be physical with me despite us both knowing it was there. In that flat with two boys that didn’t want to have sex was my first time I felt safe in male presence of my aged people.

I realise now, aided by the dream, that all along I’ve felt unsafe. I felt unsafe to express my needs, unsafe to meet them, putting everyone before me. It’s not cute but it’s brought immense growth for me and I wouldn’t change a thing about the past. I believe in the synchronicity of the YouTube videos recommended on my account titled ‘domestic abuse, my story’ (2 times ignored), and ‘the person you really need to marry’, the situation of my sisters child’s dad bringing him home late and exhausted and leaving him in the hallway unattended like yesterday’s rubbish- all subtly hinting to my inner being.

I know now that all the time I had felt unsafe and then allowed and practically asked others to make me feel unsafe so I felt my own unique brand of important. I have disarmed my weapon just by being aware of it. I made a promise to my inner child to always be there, present in my body, and to always act in accordance to love myself first. I know this has been a long time coming but I also know that everything comes at the divine time for you to be able to heal from it and grow. 

My advice to everyone would be to never ignore your feelings or question your gut to serve other people in detriment to yourself. There is always something to guide you along if you make way, one day.



My cards combined today and yesterday, revealed that through gratitude and happiness, we reach the space of forgiveness. I now am starting to see the greater wisdom in everything I had to go through. I forgive the child within me that did the best she possibly could with the knowledge she had, I am grateful and in awe of her courage through the process of learning, to continue to the moment of now, where I, she, sees.

I know now despite the perceived good and bad definitions we place on our experiences, it is all for a greater vision, our greater potential. We must come through this path to come to a place of knowing that our suffering is no longer necessary, but have the courage to meet it with gratitude. 

Through gratitude we recognise that spirit was always within and around us, offering support, but we must travel this path to come to a place of higher consciousness. The past is not something to be held onto as our story, and as positive or negative. We must unclench our hands from the desperate grasp. It is still In its isness. We our the awareness that has come through to the other side. 

Expanding Consciousness

Today I’ve been feeling really off, like I was getting tonsillitis. I didn’t quite feel like going to the doctor was necessary, so I rested up instead believing it would pass soon.

A few minutes ago, after intervals of uncertainty and impatient angel card attempts, I had a revelation. I don’t know why but I was laying in bed contemplating what it would be like to imagine the fuzzy energy inside my body leaving. I then questioned wether astral projection was the energy leaving the body or the soul in a kind of bodily form leaving the limited body and mind. I came to the realisation that the energy leaving the body was actually death, ultimately. This was a liberation! Death as an ending is as said, an illusion of the egoic mind. The body dies is it is the housing for experiencing this physical dimension in human form, and is not eternal. However the illusory feeling of grief accompanying Death presented as loss by the ego, really is just the acceptance that things die- wether it be an actual death of a person for example or the death of a part of a person to rebirth and transform. The thing is, the forms of love bonds with these things we experience never die, and things transform and regenerate to make room for the new.

The reality of human form is, we are all really made up of a tiny part of a huge ball of the buzzing energy you feel throughout your body when you pause. The mind comes as a package with the body, and as a part of our conditioning we have learnt to identify with that inside voice and thoughts as ‘me’. The ego separates these balls of the same energy to judge things as good or bad, including people, experience. It gives us the false power of feeling superior or inferior to other people, based on a conceptual and physical observation. The ego keeps us trapped in a prison of beliefs that limit our mind from expanding and recognising deep truths of who we really are. This truth revealed to me in the space of contemplation is that nothing we ever experience is good or bad, wrong or right; we are simply here to experience through the physical body. The past and future are not parts of this experience until we are in them and nothing we do to try to predict or fix them is going to change us from who we truly are. We are perfection is physical form and our life purpose is to learn, experience and grow! 

We are all slowly coming home to the truth that we are here to live fully, and expand our minds and awareness through growth and experience; to change. We must accept the impermanence of life and our ever changing world that does not stand still. The stillness lies in our presence as an existing life form on the planet. We are life.

Patience & Transformation

Even though I’ve heard about patience and the Buddha quote “Change your Mind and you change the World”, they never really sunk in when applying them to my own life in the present and not metaphorically.
Today I tried out transcendental meditation technique of repeating a made up word in my head over and over. By doing this your mind can’t relate anything to the word and therefore gains no momentum of thought from it; eventually tiring into nothingness.
Later on I went to the park straight after waking up from a nap. As I was walking I felt sensations in my body and ended up walking a different way than I usually do. Along the way I was a bit apprehensive about where I’d end up but decided to try and trust my inner guidance. I ended up at the park I usually go to, but took a completely unfamiliar route. I had a moment of realisation that it could be insight into my current thought process also. I must be quite apprehensive about where I’m going to end up and maybe sometimes taking fear based decisions on direction instead of trusting myself to lead me to the place of my hearts manifestations.
When I sat in the park I noticed how the voice of my old thought pattern was restricting me now from making spontaneous decisions. The thought or feeling of wanting to do something would come, closely followed by a fear based reaction steering me away into hiding.
I guess this is the current process I’m finding my way out of through being present, trusting my inner guidance to lead me and coming back to the place we all are born from. It’s funny that the old thought process takes you away from the natural being of love that you are and feel fear following it’s direction, when it’s leading you back to the true and ingenious you.

In my card reading for today I drew Patience and Death from the Soul Journey lesson cards, and from the Oracle deck, Scorpio, Saturnus, Aries and Mars. I feel that they informed the inner knowing that beginnings are brought in by endings, and that patience is the knowing that everything is always working out for your highest good and that this transformation can’t be rushed. The oracle cards translated to surrender to transformation and rebirth, impatience can lead to ruthlessness.

Eyes of illusion

Fear is a test of our resolve to live in the energy of love.
Grief is an opportunity to appreciate something by losing it.
Trust is trusting your inner voice to guide you.

In the eyes of the Ego; our old thought pattern, fear is a way of controlling us to keep us from growing, and grief is the illusion of the permanence of loss.

In the eyes of love, fear is the reality of the lessons we have learnt that return us back to remembering our true nature. Love reconnects us to the truth that loves bonds are eternal and anything we temporarily lost, will return to us In another form.

Trust is the inner knowing that we are only returning to our true self, and the only pain of loss is the ego under fire and losing its illusory control over our minds. Fear is the ego resisting change and our growth.
I know and trust we’re all coming home to ourselves.

And I just realised were approaching Spring, so here’s a relevant quote of wisdom.

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. the shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. to someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction

// Cynthia Occelli


It’s an unfathomable thing.
I have a friend, that I’d just kind of stumbled across through being friends with another. I’d never really thought about the bonds of friendship until today.
I’ve kind of felt for a while, that I was living in my house with people nothing like me. Maybe my lesson was to be unapologetically myself to draw in people that serve my higher growth. One thing I had noticed was the lessons that people around me seemed to be learning, and I’d been able to recognise as I’d experienced similar.
I’ve learnt to honour myself as a soul today, a wealth of experience, and that the light of love I reside in, might just light a glow of presence that might lead others by example.
I’ve opened my eyes to the divine plans to assist our soul growth and how much we really do interconnect. I’ve learnt from my judgement of others learning and the light they shed on my purpose through their own lessons. I live in pride of myself in this exact moment, and the elements of myself I see in others.
Sometimes we do by doing nothing at all, intentionally, but by living through experiences and trust that everything is constantly unfolding for us, all. By going placidly amidst the noise and haste, and see what peace there might be in silence.

Give me a sign…

I’ve had an ah-ha moment
I’ve become fixated on the words on these soul lesson cards, which, don’t get me wrong, have definitely transformed my word associations, but in the process of seeking answers, I’ve forgotten the peace in presence. I’m waiting for an answer I’m simply not listening out for because I’m constantly in the future.
Time to slow down and relax into the moment, in the peace my soul can be heard.

For those who have an intense urge for spirit and wisdom, it sits near them, waiting

A lesson in Love

I got a pretty defining moment in my cards today, I want to share it in case it teaches or helps anyone else.
I got friendship, with love and fear either side. Humour reigns wise above friendship.
I get the feeling, after a little ponder, that the current thought for myself is probably confusion why a girl I live with especially seems to imitate things I do or have.

When choosing love, we choose unconditional energy that remains and teaches that it will always reign supreme over the little annoyances people might cause. We aim for compassion and love toward that person that our presence might teach them and they will find their own path and honour their light. For the light in the situation, I feel gracious that someone sees something in me worth emulating, and that I’m learning from them too.

I am learning to see the lighter side of this feeling of being copied, and not to see it negatively. Envy does not necessarily mean that someone is superior to anyone and should be copied, it is, I feel, a harmony of some form in vibrations. I am learning to see the lessons from friendships wether I regard them highly or not.

Unconditional means free of limitation and conditioning.
I feel I am learning a lot about what love is, beyond being ‘in love’ terms and more of its universal energy that we live in.