I had a dream the other day, I remember my dreams nearly every night, I believe in them wholeheartedly to guide me from my own inner wisdom.
I’ve always struggled with physical intimacy, but recently since being in a long term and secure relationship, I began to realise the self harm I’d been inflicting on myself through tortured beliefs to accommodate other people.
It’s going to get kind of personal here.
At a young age I found myself discovering the shadow side of the internet and it’s instantaneous messaging systems. I developed and relied on multiple people I’d never met, and genuinely believed that I was cared for and exchanged an intimacy online that was a product of love.
I believe we all exchange encounters with those people and situations that aid our highest growth, wether it be painful or joyous, we will always grow all the wiser from it if we chose to understand it.
Once I had discovered that there had been apps invented that brough the outside world technologically closer, I began to meet up with people of a similar age to me. At 18 I had a boyfriend who was 23, a year older than my own older brother. The bonds were quickly formed and the physical force in flow.
Revealed to me now, the experiences I found myself reflecting upon all seemed to stem from one belief I’d gained in childhood, that played out in numerous forms later on, only to reveal one message to me now at 21.
I didn’t trust myself. I’ve always read and heard about self sabotage and such like in my quest for, I guess, self healing, but it never really passed my inner block until now.
The boyfriend I had got very possessive and jealous, and played out manipulative situations in which I’d devoted my entire being to him.
The relationship ended and I found myself back to the same need to have someone else around to support me emotionally and now, mask my real hunger. I slept with people I didn’t really like because I thought that meant they valued me and cared for me, obviously the physical elements were less than nurturing but that was what I’d learnt to be intimate.
There are more details such as when I was first year at university and found a similarly lost and self harming soul in my housemate, and reflecting on it now I think that was a first hint of loving care to me. The fact that he always expressed care for me in his own way, and that I understood through our equally ambivalent needs. The crowning point was that he never tried to be physical with me despite us both knowing it was there. In that flat with two boys that didn’t want to have sex was my first time I felt safe in male presence of my aged people.
I realise now, aided by the dream, that all along I’ve felt unsafe. I felt unsafe to express my needs, unsafe to meet them, putting everyone before me. It’s not cute but it’s brought immense growth for me and I wouldn’t change a thing about the past. I believe in the synchronicity of the YouTube videos recommended on my account titled ‘domestic abuse, my story’ (2 times ignored), and ‘the person you really need to marry’, the situation of my sisters child’s dad bringing him home late and exhausted and leaving him in the hallway unattended like yesterday’s rubbish- all subtly hinting to my inner being.
I know now that all the time I had felt unsafe and then allowed and practically asked others to make me feel unsafe so I felt my own unique brand of important. I have disarmed my weapon just by being aware of it. I made a promise to my inner child to always be there, present in my body, and to always act in accordance to love myself first. I know this has been a long time coming but I also know that everything comes at the divine time for you to be able to heal from it and grow.
My advice to everyone would be to never ignore your feelings or question your gut to serve other people in detriment to yourself. There is always something to guide you along if you make way, one day.