Feeling wobbly

I think.
That’s enough said. I think. I think. I think I think I think.
Recently I found myself imagining completely irrational situations that I might come across in my new dating ‘situation’. I call it a situation because I don’t like to assume it’s an actual relationship. Fear A.
I’m scared that if I assume it is, I’m moving too fast, possibly bypassing him, therefore he might get scared off, or I’ll just curse it seeing as rushing into control and security seems to be my downfall to starting a new healthy relationship.
I just told myself what’s wrong right there.
I was going to stay for the weekend with him, I spent a good week before that delving as deep as a galactic crater into what that symbolised. I spent a good nothing, not even a mili second when I was actually there worrying.
I pre-worried about a disagreement we might have and felt that actual sinking feeling of thinking it’s going wrong as I metaphorically ran away from the situation without even being in the situation at all!
I’m sitting in the garden googling relationship anxiety, fear of abandonment and other such topics, when actually I already know that I’m being irrational again. Searching for a justification from an inanimate other (google) that what I’m doing is something.
It’s not.
Heelloo inner me, stop it.

I know I’m scared of it going wrong from a past traumatic experience that started equally as well. I just don’t seem to completely put it to bed.

There’s nothing going wrong but I’m already planning for it. The day he doesn’t text back or the day I lose interest because I think IM boring and I do the leaving for him in anticipation of it happening.

I really like him and everything is going well, I just need to sit back, be myself, and enjoy it in the present.


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